Beautiful, Beautiful

Busy, busy I have been, with adoption papers, being a mommy to Hannah (who turns two TOMORROW!), trying to stay on top of things at work, thinking about the future, the here and now, then the future again... I am busy but I am so blessed. As my little Hannita turns two tomorrow I find myself being reflective of so many things. I think about all that I have experienced, where God has taken me thus far in my life's journey, and wondering what's next in store for our ever growing family. I have my moments of anxiety, fear, doubt, about many things, but at the end of the day, when I see Hannah hold her little hands together to pray, all of my doubts fade and I realize how absolutely beautiful my life is, because it is being directed by my beautiful God.

Listen to this song...hopefully the link will work. The lyrics move me.




Beautiful, Beautiful
performed by Francesca Battistelli

Don't know how it is you looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly your grace

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful beautiful

Now there's a joy inside I can't contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though its pouring down
I see you through the clouds
Shining on my face

(chorus)

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by your grace

(chorus)

Hope Now

Its so hard to find time to blog during this paperwork process! Wow it's intense but I have no doubt that it will be worth every second! Today we are getting our home inspections done by the fire department and health department. We hope to get our medical forms and background checks finalized tomorrow and then everything will be sent off to our social worker....the first big batch of forms complete.

We decided last week to officially switch to the Ethiopia program. From the start we've really had no preference about from where to adopt, so when it appeared that the wait for a Rwanda adoption would be continually increasing over the next year, we decided to switch to Ethiopia, a program that has had stable wait times in the past. (Though this too can obviously change at any moment!) Unfortunately we will have to travel twice to Ethiopia due to changes in the adoption process as of Jan 2010. I'm hoping it will change back to the one trip requirement by the time we travel, but I guess we'll have to wait and see.

We are super excited about what's in store...in the meantime, though, we have precious little Hannah keeping us EXTREMELY busy! Wow she is a bundle of fun and energy! She loves to dance, sing and talk, talk and talk some more! I often wonder what our little girl from Ethiopia will be like...will she have a similar personality? Will she be shy? How will she and Hannah interact? Hannah LOVES the outdoors! Yesterday she had her first encounter with a frog. Her response? "OH wow, bullfrog! Awesome!" Ha! At 22 months she has no difficulties expressing herself! And thanks to the Wonder Pets for teaching her what a bullfrog is! LOL

SO as for lyrics that I'm pondering...Perhaps "Hope Now" by Addison Road is a good song for me right now. I definitely believe that hope is the anchor for our soul. With this adoption process we are totally trusting God to provide, to lead and to reveal his plan and his vision for our future. He knows our hearts desires...we can only do so much and then we have to just have have faith that He knows what's best and that He is the ultimate provider.

Hope Now (Addison Road)

If everything comes down to love, then just what am I afraid of?
When I call our Your Name something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I am yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Chorus
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Chorus

You've become my heart's desire
I will sing your praises higher
Your love sets me free...


Thanks to those who read and follow what we've got going on in this crazy busy little life of ours. Lots of things going on, but they are all GOOD things! I'm grateful that we have hope...hope for today, for tomorrow, for forever! :)

Mossylou

Somewhere Out There

I apologize in advance as this will be a lengthy blog :)!

Since submitting our application to America World on Tuesday I've spent my evenings "blog-stalking" other adopting families....I am amazed that I've already found multiple families here in Texas adopting from Rwanda! I have enjoyed reading about where they are in their journeys...some have their children home, many are still waiting, and some are just starting the process like us. I am so excited to get the ball rolling on paperwork. I know it's going to be a lot to keep up with and we aren't the most organized folks on the block but with God's help I have no doubt we'll get everything done. So I thought I'd write a bit about how our decision to adopt came to be...

When the earthquake hit Haiti Pete and I were both moved to help in some way. I actually avoided the tv around that time, though, because I was having difficulty seeing all the images. One day I just randomly texted Pete, "Let's adopt an orphan from Haiti." I don't even remember why I was moved to do it, and I think I even laughed when I pushed send b/c it was such an outrageous, random comment. But he texted back "OK we'll talk about it when I get home." Huh? Seriously? So we talked, and talked, and prayed, and prayed, and talked some more...you get the picture. Pete wanted a clear sign, a lightning bolt out of the sky that said "ADOPT!" I, on the other hand, kept feeling like I was getting "signs" yet I was fearful that my emotions were interfering with my ability to hear God's voice clearly.

I had requested an information packet from an agency, America World Adoption, after reading that a friend from college had adopted through them. I had read over things but still had no particular insight or feeling that God was saying yes or no. One night we talked and decided that perhaps we should take a step forward and attend some sort of seminar, just to see what it would lead to, what we felt, etc. We had no idea where to find one but I planned to google it the next day.

The next morning I was feeling frustrated and prayed for God to just bombard me from every direction with adoption-related things if it was something he wanted us to pursue. As soon as I finished praying I opened my email account to a new message from America World Adoption Agency, which was just a friendly followup about my info packet, to see if we had any questions or to see if we would be interested in attending an informative seminar. Seminar? Umm yeah. So I clicked on the link, thinking we would have to travel to north TX or even further. Well, of all the little towns in all the country, there was a seminar in little London, Kentucky, a 30 min drive from Pete's parents house....on the weekend we were to fly into KY for vacation!!! Really?

My heart skipped a beat...I knew instantly that it was more than a coincidence. So I ran to the next room to tell Pete about it, and he was on the phone...talking to someone about adoption. What? Yep...he had left a message at someone's office and the person who had returned his call had just completed an adoption herself and proceeded to talk his ear off about how excited she was that we were considering it, and how it's such an amazing thing, etc etc etc. Whoa.

I wish I could remember all the other little things that occurred...I know there were many nights that the devotionals in "My Utmost for His Highest" were right on what I was praying about and I kept thinking "What does all of this mean God?"

The weekend before we left for KY we were singing "Everlasting God" at church....I was on alto mic that night and I got super choked up, almost to where I had to stop singing to gain composure. I've sang it multiple times before, but on that particular night the lyrics "You're the defender of the weak. You comfort those in need" really struck me as I thought of the orphans across the world. I had never thought of orphans in relation to those lyrics until that night, and when the pastor spoke afterwards about "going" when God says to "Go" I felt strongly that God was about to do something in our life if we would listen and obey.

SO we attended the seminar in KY. All the way there we prayed and talked about what God could possibly want us there for...to lead us to adopt? to meet someone? to hear something? all of the above? We prayed for clarity and the ability to hear Him. As soon as we walked in, Pete headed for the donuts and coffee :) and we hear someone say "I know you!" Long story short, the father of the couple leading the seminar knew Pete from college, and then the girl who sat to my left went to high school with me. Small world? Perhaps. But not coincidence in my book.

We enjoyed the seminar and went out to eat with several families afterwards to ask even more questions. Pete was asking each family "How did you know for sure that adoption was the right thing for you, and that the timing was right?" No one could give a specific answer, other than it just "felt right" and that it is God's plan for us to care for His orphans. However, one man asked us a question in return. "What sign would you look for before having another biological child?" That hit home. Things clicked. As we drove away Pete shared that he no longer felt that need for the lightning bolt. Yet I felt like we had just received it. :)

I've rambled on and on but its so hard to summarize all the thoughts going through my head. I am so excited to see what God is going to do in all of this. This is the first time in a long time where I feel like we have specifically sought God for insight and have heard and heeded His call.

We are excited about Hannah becoming a big sister. She is too young to be able to understand any of it but I love the thought of her having a little sister to play with next summer!

The lyrics I will close with are ones that have randomly come into my mind this week. The movie An American Tail 1987 (with Fieval! remember?!) had a song I used to love to sing as a child. Now the words mean something so very different to me as I ponder if our second daughter is already out there somewhere...

Somewhere Out There
Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram

Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moon light
Someone's thinking of me, and loving me tonight.
Somewhere out there, someone's saying a prayer,
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.

And even though I know how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.
And when the night winds start to sing their lonesome lullaby,
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

Somewhere out there, if love can see us through.
Then we'll be together, somewhere out there,
Out where dreams come true...

Goodnight all. I hope to update my blog with pics, new designs, etc, soon! It's pretty blah right now....but my life is far from blah! God is good and I am so excited to see what He has in store for our ever growing family!

Hardcore Generosity

So for the past few weeks our church has been sharing the message of "Hardcore Generosity." Each message seemed to pull at my heartstrings in a particular way but I kept pushing it back thinking "nah, I'm just making it up in my head." I kept thinking "what's more hardcore than adopting a child, saving them from an oppressive life and giving them a life of love?" Well God is good to verify a vision if you ask Him to do so... Long story short, Pete and I have decided to pursue adoption! We are filling out our paperwork this week in hopes to start our "paper pregnancy" soon! More details to follow, including the way all of this came to be (totally a God thing) and how we plan to proceed on this journey... In the meantime I am meditating on these scriptures and lyrics...

"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows-this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families." Pslams 68:5-6

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

"Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows." Isaiah 1:17

"And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me." Matthew 18:5

Everlasting God (lyrics)

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
Our God, you reign forever
Our hope, our strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
You do not grow faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak

You comfort those in need

You lift us up on wings like eagles....

Please pray for us as we embark on this exciting journey...

Amarillo By Morning

Ok so here I go. I've known for a long time that I would write this blog. Just wondered if I'd be able to get up the nerve to sit down and do it. I thought that today, of course, would be the ideal time to do it. Today marks one day since my father's passing. This song was one of his favorites, which my siblings and I sang at his funeral. I have attached the video of us singing it together for the first time in my mom's kitchen, practicing for the ceremony. Thus the sense of awkwardness. Dad would have enjoyed it I'm sure, all of us singing together. He instilled the love of music into all four of us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfMfQ5oa-6I

Losing a parent is one of those things that no one can really ever prepare you for. Especially when they are taken from you at such a young age. I thought my dad would be around to take Hannah (and any other future children) fishing. I thought she would grow up learning about his sarcasm and gag Christmas gifts. I thought he would be here for me to call whenever the Cincinnati Bengals score a touchdown "WhoDey!", or when the UK Wildcats win a big championship... I wanted him to be able to see me grow as a mom and be proud of me. I had hoped he would be here last week to sing me Happy Birthday again. Last year he somehow managed to sit up on the edge of the bed and sing the whole thing, in tune, not missing a word, even though it had been weeks since he had been able to complete a coherent sentence. Within a couple of days he was bedridden, within a couple more in a morphine induced coma, in a couple more, he was gone.

I've never had to deal with death. All my grandparents died either before I was born or when I was an infant. My closest relative to pass (an aunt) had moved away the year before and since she never had a burial site to go to it was like she just never came back from a trip. All my pets either mysteriously disappeared or ran away before I ever had to see them die or bury them. I've always had a small fear of death...of how I would respond when I had to look it in the face either myself or through someone else. I never could have imagined that the first funeral I attended would be my dad's.

So it's been a year. A busy one, adjusting to life as a mom, as a working mom...being away from my own mom has been so hard. Knowing how hard it has been for her to lose her lifemate at the young age of 57. How do people learn to move on without feeling fearful of forgetting something about the one they've lost? I get scared sometimes that I'll forget what his laugh sounded like, or how his clothes smelled when I hugged him goodnite every night. Or that I'll lose sight of some of the things he taught me about thinking for myself, never letting someone else tell me what to believe but instead to search out truth on my own.

Every time I hear "Amarillo By Morning" I obviously think of Dad. He grew up in Texas and had so many stories from all the places he'd been. I wish I had those memorized, too, so that I could recall every detail to tell Hannah someday. Dad was a simple man, simple but with a huge heart. "I ain't got a dime, but what I got is mine. I ain't rich, but Lord I'm free..." This was Dad. He worked hard to put food on the table and to provide us with all he could. He helped us appreciate what we did have, and taught us the value of work.

So tonight I sit and wonder about what Dad would say if he could hear my thoughts, see what I'm up to, the silly things I worry about, the struggles I face...what advice would he give me? Again, he was so simple...he'd probably say "Well, baby, whatever makes you happy." And then he'd follow it up by a comment like "but I still think Pete should take back that %#$ ring (my wedding ring) and buy him a bass boat!!!" LOL

I hope that somehow I will have learned from this great loss that we should never take our loved ones for granted. Even as I knew Dad was growing weak I never had the courage to really face it. I wanted to hope for the best, that God would heal him and make him whole again. Dad fought hard and we were so proud of how he never gave up. But I still feel like I should have said more, told him I loved him more, laughed and cried with him more. But would anything have ever been enough?

"The first man a little girl loves is her daddy." This is the quote I opened with when I spoke at his funeral. It is so very true. And I will always love him.

Still Here Waiting

I've not blogged since "What Do I Know of Holy?" because that song was so inspiring and impacting that I didn't know where to go next. Tonight I was scrolling through my ipod to find something new to listen to, something I hadn't heard in a while. I came across a song by Todd Agnew. I attended his church in Memphis while I lived there for one of my internships back in 2004 and I've been listening to his music every since. The lyrics below are to one of his songs...I attempted to link to the music video but had technical difficulties so if you want to hear the song look it up on YouTube.

Still Here Waiting -Todd Agnew

It's cold outside
Or is that just the chill I feel inside from standing here
Steeping in my shame
I can't deny I'm surrounded by the very thing You freed me from
That's why I can't come home

Chorus
I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting

I fail to see
Why You'd still be waiting to forgive me
After all that I have done
But I cannot say
That one time I returned and You had turned away
Your love never fails

Chorus

You say, "Come home" and You'll be there
I can run into Your arms


This is the story of true love. Of true, unselfish, forgiving love. The kind of love so many of us seek after in our relationship with our parents, our spouses, with our closest friends. We have all screwed up. We've all done things we've regretted. As children we dread having to tell our parents we did something that will upset them, that will make them ashamed of us...or so we think. As young adults many of us get into all sorts of trouble, saying hurtful things to the people we love the most, acting out in rebellious ways that looking back seem so childish and selfish. As adults we sometimes take it to the next level, making mistakes which will impact not only our future but the futures of others around us.

As a Christ follower we are held to such high standards by society. Many people see being a christian as being a "rule follower," and its all about what you cannot do. And we are supposed to be perfect, and not "sin" because then we would be hypocrites right? This view is so horribly wrong. Christianity is about the saving grace of Jesus. If we were perfect we wouldn't need Him. And if we didn't need Him then why would God have sacrificed Him in the way He did?

Yea, so maybe I'm getting a little too "churchy" here but in looking at these lyrics I think about my relationship with God. I think of how for years I watched from a distance until I finally decided for myself that yes I believed in Him, yes I saw what He had done for me...that was such an intense spiritual time in my life. I gave all of my worries, my fears, my insecurities, and my failures over to Him, and He took it all away. There was such peace, such joy, such direction and purpose in my life. And yet....I fell again. I sinned again. I walked away again. How could this happen?

Just as the lyrics say, God completes me more than anything or anyone in this world ever could. So why did I screw up? Did I commit one of the big "cardinal sins" that everyone talks about? No, actually I didn't, but the interesting thing that I find to be true is that when your sin is not one of the blatant, "oh my gosh i can't believe you did it" kind of sins, it is actually more challenging to get rid of. Hang with me a sec... Think about it. Someone who is cheating on her husband is obviously in need of some direction, and everyone is able to see it, and can try to help her, and there are typically support groups and books for that. But what if your sin is in the shadows, what if it is something that only you and God can even identify? No one sees it so no one holds you accountable. That's the kind of sin/problem/issue that can start eating away at you, and unless you choose to take it before God it is going to linger and grow. And when you choose not to take it to God then a wall is built. A wall between you and God.

So over the past few years I've been going through this process of figuring out "Who am I?" and "What is my Purpose?" and let me tell ya, if you aren't talking with God, listening to God, then you won't ever hear the answers to those questions. The lyrics to this song remind me that no matter how bad we've screwed up, no matter how many times we've tried to "get clean" and failed, that if we go to God with a true, willing spirit He will be there with open arms. Its an amazing love He has for us. I don't deserve for Him to take me back but He is there waiting. So many people know the lyrics to "Amazing Grace" but how many of us actually sit and ponder on the true meaning and power of those words? God is waiting for us. He is waiting for us to see that being in a relationship with Him and serving Him offers an abundant life...its not about what we can't do, its about all HE has already done and all that we will be able to do through Him who will give us the strength, peace, and JOY that this world will never be able to match. I'm running to the Mercy Seat...

What Do I Know of Holy?

Well I survived blog number one and found it to be quite refreshing. But it's funny because with blogging I think you have to make a conscious decision that you are either going to be completely transparent or you're not. What if my family members read this? What if my Christian friends read it and find offense at something? What if my non-Christian friends read it and think I'm a holy roller? What if an old friend reads it and thinks "Is she talking about me?!" In all actuality few people will probably read, few will judge, few will give what I write a second thought. Transparency can be so challenging, because it makes us vulnerable. This state of transparency and of vulnerability, of willingness to be open and authentic, is where God wants us to be. This is where He can come in and fill us up, because we are willing. Because we are not blinded by fear of what people will think or say... I think one struggle I've had since choosing to follow Jesus (in high school) is that I do worry too much about what others will say or think about me. This has impacted my walk with God is so many ways. I've put Him in a box at times, not allowing Him to show me all He can do and all He is because I was afraid of fully diving in and giving my all in order to become more like Him, more "holy."

This week I discovered a group called Addison Road. There is a song that when I first heard it goose bumps came and tears came to my eyes at the realization that they were words from my own heart. Below are the lyrics...I attached a link to YouTube for the audio but there are no pictures (intentionally) because I want the emphasis to stay on the lyrics...

What Do I Know of Holy? -Addison Road

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xS-bRarAZ2g

I made promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made you too small
I never feared you at all No,
If you touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

Chorus

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along your ocean?
Are you fire? Are you fury?
Are you sacred? Are you beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of holy?


I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You are mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

Chorus

What do I know of holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your Name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

Chorus

~
Wow. Some songs have a way of knocking you on your butt, making you sit and think about where you are in life. This song did this to me. The technical structure of the song and vocals mixed with the lyrics is just beautiful, and moving, which is why I also added the link. I am excited to say that God has really been on the move in my little family in the last couple of months. And yet when I heard this song I realized how I still had not allowed myself to really dive in, be transparent and authentic with God, and to allow Him to show me who HE is. It has been all about me, and how I want to grow in my spiritual walk, how I want to serve more...this is all great, but how do I genuinely, fully do that? My "walk" is with a HOLY God...by walking with Him means that I live with Him, talk with Him, LISTEN to Him, try to be like Him. The word "holy" can be so intimidating. And so can the image of God that so many people have. What is the image I have? What is my holy God really like? I know about all the amazing things He has done, and I've seen Him work in the lives of people...and yet how well do I really understand His level of Holiness? Is it even possible? Some things are just beyond comprehension, right? And yet when I see sunsets in the mountains, or watch the waves at the ocean, or see a newborn baby be born, I get this sense of wow...how could anyone not believe that there is a HOLY God out there... What is YOUR view of God? Is He fire? Is He fury? Is He sacred? Is He beautiful?